i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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