I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
