I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
we're making bets on your personal life
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
