I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
