Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
