I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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