When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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