I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
