Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
