How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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