Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize