i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
