Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
