I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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