I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
As shirtless as possible
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
