it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
why do cheetos always look like penises
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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