He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize