A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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