i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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