You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
