Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i think my cat just said my name.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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