Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
