Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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