You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
