Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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