he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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