Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
