i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
