Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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