Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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