I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize