Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i've created a new STD.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
