goodnight i made you a song goodbye
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
