Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
