Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
false alarm, still single
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
