You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
