When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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