Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
How's work?
Spinning.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
