my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
