Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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