MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
