I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I am naked and annoyed.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
