I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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