you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
