i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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