you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
