i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm too high and old for this...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
