I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
