just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
