He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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