just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
