At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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