I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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