WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
