Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
