so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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